Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy: Save Your Son from the Violent Boy Culture.

Introducing a new book by Ted Zeff, Ph.D.: Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy: Save Your Son from the Violent Boy Culture. The book contains hundreds of practical methods to help parents raise their son to express his emotions and develop compassionate behavior, as well as specific strategies to help boys navigate through the violent boy culture. The book is available on amazon:  http://www.amzn.com/096607453X/?&tag=hspsurvivalco-20

at Barnes & Noble or by visiting www.drtedzeff.com.

Are you concerned that your son is constantly bombarded with false information that real boys must always be strong, aggressive, tough, and repress their feelings? What can parents do when their son is exposed to graphic, violent images of what a man is supposed to be like? How can parents help their son grow into an emotionally healthy, compassionate man when he is continually saturated with this distorted version of manhood from television, computer games, the Internet, movies, peers, coaches, and other adults?

In this groundbreaking book, psychologist Ted Zeff provides parents, educators, and mentors with many original and proven methods that will help boys grow into compassionate and emotionally healthy men who can transcend violent male behavior. Dr. Zeff offers practical advice that will help boys express their feelings, exhibit empathy, and increase their self-esteem in the family, at school, with friends, and in sports.

“Proven techniques to help parents raise their son to express his emotions and develop compassionate behavior, and specific strategies that will help boys to navigate through the violent boy culture.”

-Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys

“Raise an Emotionally Healthy Boy” is a boon for our entire planet. The book provides many original, practical ideas for parents and teachers to help boys grow into compassionate and emotionally healthy men who can transcend male violent behavior. Give a copy to everyone you know who is helping to raise a boy.”

-Elaine Aron, Ph.D., author of The Highly Sensitive Child

“I met Ted Zeff when we both worked with youth in San Francisco 30 years ago. He was a great counselor then and now he is even a greater counselor and writer. His insights into raising young men are what is needed now. Trust me, I have been all over the United States making documentaries for PBS on reducing violence in schools. I implore you to listen to his excellent suggestions to raise compassionate, non-violent boys. He's right on.”

-Mike Pritchard, Host of PBS Documentary Save Our Schools from Hate and Violence and Stepping on Up

“Ted Zeff has provided everyone who cares about kids with an excellent road map to get us closer to a society where our boys become more fully human, more emotionally intelligent. That would mean a world of men better able to protect the planet and the next generation from the kind of emotionally disconnected aggression that threatens us all.”

-James Garbarino, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Loyola University Chicago, and author of Lost Boys

Thank you for your interest.

Ted Zeff, Ph.D.

www.drtedzeff.com   

Today I would love to share a beautiful blog posting by Randy Buckley from het blog page on : http://www.randibuckley.com

A Love Note to the “Hyper-Sensitive” and “Takers-of-it-Too-Personally”

by Randi

This post is inspired by a Facebook query and conversation with the deeply insightful and thoughtful, Erika Harris.  If this speaks to you, I encourage you to check out her website and gorgeous offerings. Thank you Erika for your grace and bright light.  

They say:  You’re too sensitive.  You take it too personally.  You’re thin-skinned.  You need to toughen up.

I hear: I have no idea how in touch with the world you are, nor can I grasp the depths of your empathy, from which I benefit. It’s like you can see colors that are naked to my eye.  You carry the awareness of others, of those far away, those unseen, in your heart on behalf of us all.  You are the torchbearer of the forgotten.  You bear the weight of other’s pain so they have a lifeline into the rest of humanity.  You are a barometer for how we are doing as a species.  I can’t imagine the space you hold for others to show up and feel cared for and acknowledged even when no one else can see that it’s you doing this.  You take on my share of pain when my words sting you.  You bear witness so that we know, so we cannot forget.  Your mere presence is equanimity.  Your energy is generously used in service of your ability to intuit and sense even the most subtle change in weather, perspective, mind or heart.  I’m not aware that your sensitivity can cause you physical pain.  You are a canary in the coal mine of our culture, and are wrecked by violent movies, news of pain, and mistreatment of fellow humans, animals, and the earth.  If I knew the depths of your consideration I’d be humbled and inspired.  I didn’t see or have the consideration that you are a gift and could be treasured.  Your light is omnipresent.  I don’t know to pay attention.  I don’t understand, even though I am the beneficiary of your grace. 

I say:  Thank you, friend.  Rest and take care.  We need you.

Feeling like a victim

How highly sensitive people can become victims and what they can do to stop

Published on September 7, 2012 by Deborah Ward in Sense and Sensitivity

 

Photo by nirrimi

In an earlier post, I wrote about the vulnerability of highly sensitive people to negative types of people, like narcissists. Because of their compassionate and empathetic nature, many HSPs unwittingly attract people who will use the HSP for their own gain and consequently drain the energy out of them in the process. When this kind of relationship becomes a pattern, it is all too easy for the HSP to take on the role of victim.

Assuming the victim role is not a natural or inevitable consequence of being highly sensitive, but it is a common one. Highly sensitive people are often misunderstood and misinterpreted as being socially anxious, depressed, insecure or possessing any number of other issues. When you are constantly being told that you are too shy, too reserved, too quiet and too sensitive, you begin to think there is something wrong with you. And when other people begin to take advantage of your sensitive nature, you can easily begin to feel like a victim.

But thinking of oneself as a victim is often a belief we’re not consciously aware of. Feelings of self-doubt, and believing that we somehow deserve the treatment we’re receiving, however unpleasant, often stems from childhood. A repeated belief in oneself as deserving of some kind of victimhood is usually the result of actual victimisation at an earlier stage, such as facing a bully at school or a controlling parent at home. After many years of mistreatment or even misunderstanding, the victim mentality becomes ingrained to the degree that people begin to believe it, even when they are not even aware of it.

Thinking of oneself as a victim is not only bad for your self-esteem, it’s also destructive to your relationships. People who are mired in victimhood expect to be treated badly, which means that they will become attracted to anyone who wants to use or abuse them and will actually feel uncomfortable around someone who treats them with unconditional love, simply because it feels so unfamiliar.

So how does a person who is highly sensitive to their environment and to the feelings of others protect themselves not only from the malevolent intentions of narcissists, but from the negative victim belief that increasingly develops in their own mind? Here are a few first steps:
• Recognise the words in your mind that repeat themselves, such as ‘I don’t deserve any better’ or ‘I’m such a loser’
• When you hear those familiar phrases in your mind, remember that they were probably spoken to you by someone who was suffering themselves, and didn’t know the real you
• Recognise that none of those negative things about you are true – you were told lies but now you now the truth – you are a kind, compassionate person who deserves unconditional love
• Stop accepting anyone who talks to you negatively or treats you badly.
• Create a new belief system for yourself, beginning with the belief that you are not a victim

It is the beliefs in our subconscious mind that often control our behaviours, actions, decisions and choices in life. If you suspect that you have been treated like a victim, take the first step by refusing to act like a victim any more. You don’t have to be angry, but you do need to stop beleiving the negative talk in your head. Once you do that and start thinking of yourself in a more positive way, your life will begin to change for the better and the narcissists will stop beating a path to your door. All they will find is a door that won’t open to anything but kindness.

Spatial Strengths

Vivid Imagination

Picture thinkers have great—often wild—imaginations. They form strong, vibrant mental pictures that are often on the move. They make their own mind-movies as they read and listen. These mental movies can include voice-overs, close-ups, split screens, or panoramic shots. Anything they’ve ever seen on a screen they can imagine and use, including a zoom-in to enlarge something, an overlay of two or more images, transformation of one thing into another, rotation to see the other side of something, cartoon animation, or a graphic they can enter like a video game. They can organize information visually—laid out on an inner computer screen—and then file it away mentally to pull out later (handy for tests). Some picture thinkers may not know they have this mental computer capacity—so hampered are they by trying to listen and take notes at the same time (and then outline!). Picture Thinker’s spatial imaginations can run away with them in great leaps from one fantasy to another, but when under control, there is almost nothing they cannot bring into play in the arena of their mind’s eye.

Visualization

Visualization takes imagination a step further. Picture thinkers are wonderful visualizers, although some need to be taught this skill to jumpstart it. Visualization is the most versatile tool in the picture thinker tool kit. It can be applied in every subject area in school and in life in general. Tapping into what you have visualized provides immediate rich experience that can be examined whenever you want to . It is the basis of a kind of mental organization and storage of information, ideas, and their interconnections that is like a computer and imitates a computer’s worldwide web potential.
There are two parts to visualization. There is the “cognitive scratch pad” that is like your computer screen where you input what you see. Then there is the long term storage of all the visuals that is like your computer memory. Visualization is so important that we devote an entire section of this book to the wonders of this tool. There we include sample classroom activities that build visualization skills, and we show how to use visualization in a wide variety of school situations. Here, we are just want to emphasize how important it is as a visual-spatial tool. Visualizing will work for all kinds of thinkers, but is home territory for picture thinkers.
One point. Good visual memory is needed for successful visualization. There are some picture thinkers, usually impatient ones, who never look at anything long enough to make an image. They just play with speed-of-light perceptions. These picture thinkers may need help to look “just a few nano-seconds longer” to form a real memory. Once this trick is learned, they will quickly pick up their innate visualization skills and then will be off and running.

Seeing the Big Picture

Perhaps this goes back to hunter-gatherer days. Upon encountering something new—a new subject, a new experience, some unknown object—picture thinkers want to know right away what that thing is. They want to get to the heart of it, what it IS. Once that need is satisfied, they can sit back and learn about the details, all the bits and pieces that part of the picture. To understand anything, they need to get its big picture first, which is why they ask so many questions. They are trying to hook this new thing to something that they already know. This questioning can be a frustrating time for them. They can feel stupid, impatient, upset, tense, as they “circle around something new,” trying out various viewpoints. Because they are active learners, not wanting to have ready-made explanations handed to them, they are hard to teach. They insist in understanding it in their own way.
It is hard for picture thinkers to experience significance if only parts are available to them without the essential whole. Remembering a detail and then attaching another detail doesn’t work for them. They must size the whole situation up and sort out what feels important to understand for themselves what something is about, and to make the right connections. Often they suddenly “see” the whole thing all at once, with everything in its place. Aha!

3-D Mastery

Although they may be called picture thinkers, visual-spatial learners are oriented to the dimension of space and see in 3D. Their world is far more complex than the flat worksheets or textbook pages in a classroom. Spatials often “see” ideas in a 3-dimensions like computer animation with depth. They look through both real and imagined space to see the whole of something and to check out the relationships and connections. This creates “inner territory” to explore. Picture thinkers can quickly scan all that their senses have taken in—seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, sensing—and mentally connect the dots that spell out what is going on, or what the essence of something is We all do this all the time to some extent. It is called “perception.” But picture thinkers do it in spades. They take in 360 degrees of the space that surrounds them, making their input enormously richer and at the same time, more challenging to analyze. Having to pay attention a small set of details (like periods at the end of sentences) can feel like being pulled back from their normal range of awareness to a trivial pursuit. That tiny part better be important, or they discard it to return to scanning for significance.
Sometimes seen as having poor organization skills, picture thinkers have their order. It centers around significance, an emotional response. Rather than outline as step-by-step learners do, where main ideas stand out like trees on the plain, spatials respond to feelings about importance. If something strikes them as worthwhile, it becomes part of their web of essentials, a mental map of things worth paying attention to. Instead of outlines—so comfortable to the stepwise —a picture thinker’s scheme of reality is more like a 3D star map. The various stars and constellations stand out in different degrees of brightness, all shining against the dark space surrounding them and all interconnected in some way. Those connections are based on feelings and sensed importance.
At times, picture thinkers not only see but feel their way through concepts. They have kinesthetic input like those cyberspace reality games that evoke muscle response to what players “experience.” These spatials grope through space as if they could touch ideas and possibilities to find what is there. Einstein, who could visualize thought experiments, spoke of using “a kind of imagistic, kinesthetic shorthand” in his thinking process. (He was groping for words, typical of spatials when trying to explain themselves.) It seems he was trying to express the visual-spatial experience of thinking, seeing in imagination, and feeling muscular response to ideas. It is interesting that he recognized this as like “shorthand”—very minute, partial symbols, and tiny, nuanced muscle responses that could mark sensed relationships and also hold them in memory for future use. Spatials’ shorthand is different!
Certainly not all picture thinkers are Einsteins, but this explorative mode of operation is true for many of them, especially the deep thinkers and long processors. (They are covering a lot of mental territory and this takes time.) Thinking in 3-D mode means that all sorts of connections can be made in any dimension. Quantum physics and string theory would make us aware of more than 3 dimensions Spatials may lead the way to extraordinary feats of inner space exploration, making its complexity more approachable to us all, but that is another story.

Seeing Relationships

When spatials get the big picture, they see the whole of something and how the parts fit together. The relationship of the parts to each other and to the whole comes naturally to them. That is the way things are. They often think about putting something together with something else, like a cook trying out a new recipe. They wonder what that new relationship might like—how each would affect the other. Rather than sort things into categories, their most natural mode of thinking is to consider various new combinations of parts and what the flavor of the new relationship would be. Their ability to invent and explore goes along with this curiosity about how something might affect something else. For them, everything is interconnected and, of course, related. They are very aware of personal relationships among people as well as how things relate to one another. While they can become very good at sorting into categories, this skill is secondary to that of recognizing the balance of relationships.

Pattern Recognition

Scanning and the search for significance combine to produce a talent for pattern recognition in picture thinkers. It is part of their awareness of connections. If a pattern (recurring connection) exists, they will see it. This means, for one thing, that they will learn math facts better when made aware of the interconnecting number patterns than through rote memorization. Playing games that use number patterns works far better for these emotionally attuned learners than drilling, since their memories don’t hold isolated, disconnected facts. Picture thinkers immediately recognize patterns that are pointed out to them but really excel in finding their own, often seeing connections among things that are overlooked by others. Once pointed out, the connections make sense to others who wonder why they never noticed that.

Out-of-Box Thinking

An important aspect in understanding picture thinkers is that they need to think in their own way. They are uncomfortable with following some one else’s line of thought, partly because such linear thinking is not the way their minds operate. Sometimes they really just can’t follow along step by step. They can take in each step but without that Big Picture, the steps fade away. They don’t remember details well unless those details vibrate with significance, are tagged with their own feelings, or are part of as sudden gestalt. Picture thinkers blaze their own thought trail. Most need processing time to put together their own Big Picture. There seem to be no real steps in their thinking. Often they have a sudden insight that “things go together like this!” Either slowly or in a flash, a whole concept emerges, which may be brilliant or flawed. Picture thinkers need help in proving (or discarding) their new ideas. Trying them out is a good strategy in teaching them. If their idea actually works in a variety of situations, then it has validity. If not, it’s back to the spatial drawing board.
The tendency to originality can make teachers uncomfortable. Not only does it throw off lesson plans, but there is often an uncomfortable feeling that they are not doing their job, not teaching them. Shouldn’t they be the ones to tell spatials what they should know? They aren’t sure spatials have “got it right.” It is helpful to give spatials some processing time and to let them work in their own way, while insisting that they apply and test their ideas.

Radar Scanning

It is as if picture thinkers have radar out always scanning the environment, taking in every little thing. They are alert for changes, shifts in energy, or tones of voice in everything around them. They easily notice if some little thing they saw yesterday is missing today. They scan for signals that something is going to happen as well as for the general feel of things. They absorb what’s going on, intensely immersed in that experience. At school, if the lesson of the day can enter into their experience, these emotional picture thinkers will take it in and remember it forever. Otherwise, scanning makes picture thinkers vulnerable to distractibility. Their attention may be captured by all sorts of things. They can be equally aware of a bug bite on their arm, the way the lights are humming, someone’s simmering anger three rows away, or the relationship of a radius to its circumference.

Emotional Intensity

Picture thinkers live emotionally. They do not shut their feelings away to examine later. Instead, their emotions enliven, interpret, and underscore their experience all the time. Their emotions affect the way they think. Moods intertwine with learning, which means that their thinking can take off when they feel upbeat and confident. On the other hand, if they are upset, confused, angry, or depressed, picture thinkers may have difficulty learning much at all. It is as if their mind shuts down then, not able to function until their feelings are more positive. This may be why they try to liven things up with humor, games, tricks, and drama. Positive vibes just help them to learn better. It follows that picture thinkers will have days when they learn poorly, just as they will have days of remarkable accomplishment. Those around need to learn that variability is the name of the game..

Gamesmanship

Picture thinkers want life to be upbeat. They love humor, fun, excitement, and challenge. They are affronted by dullness and drudgery and will often sabotage a dreary atmosphere, creating excitement of some sort. They were usually happy, cheerful, fun-loving bon vivants as toddlers. Just as then, t hey have boundless curiosity, are natural explorers, and delight in discovery and excitement. Positive feelings are very important to them, partly because when they are down, they can be so very down. Their desire to liven things up—often by playing the clown or stirring up arguments—can be very annoying to a teacher with a lesson to impart, but they are (mostly) not behaving this way to be obstructive. They want life to be lively. Situations where games and play are used to aid comprehension or solve problems draw out the best in them. Teachers do well to make the most of picture thinkers’ creativity, out-of-the-box thinking, and solutions that seem to come from nowhere. They add excitement and interest to learning.
In a classroom, hands-on participatory lessons work well for them—and for step-by-step learners too. Simulation games, board games created by students as part of a learning project, hands-on immersion learning situations, contests, construction and designing, art, music, poetry, skits, and dramatic enactment—all meet a deep need of picture thinkers to work in a rich, colorful, and stimulating environment. They remember their own experience best, so experiential lessons make their points memorably. Enlivening activities such as these also spice up things for step-by-step learners, who enjoy but won’t demand this kind of teaching. It is just these lively, upbeat, dramatic personality qualities that draw others to picture thinkers like a magnet. Life is more zestful around them, and classrooms are more exciting.

Source: http://www.visualspatial.org/spatialstrengths.php by

Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D.

White energy

Interview with Laurie Ferris

10 Ways to Beat the End-of-Summer Blues

As the carefree days and warm nights of summer come to a close, so does the freedom of time spent outdoors playing with friends. Changes in the season (cooling temperatures, waning sunlight, falling leaves) and structured routines can create a more somber mood among kids, sparking some mild (or not-so-mild) melancholy and depression. Here are 10 tips to help kids cope with the late-summer blues and ease their transition into the season of fall and school.

Roll Back the Schedule Begin adjusting bedtime, wake-up time, and eating schedules to avoid an abrupt switch once school starts. "Slowly start to change some of the routine so it's not such a shock in September," suggests Jennifer Kolari, family and child therapist and author of Connected Parenting. Around two weeks before school starts, begin rolling the bedtimes back by 10 or 15 minutes a night to slowly move kids into their school schedule. "We sometimes get a little looser in the summer," says Kolari. "I think it's easier if the day begins to have a little more structure to help kids practice the transition." Robin Goodman, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and art therapist agrees: "You don't want to start the transition when school is already started."

Involve Your Kids
Let your kids help with setting up playdates, starting a chore or homework schedule, or shopping for school supplies and new outfits, suggests Dr. Goodman. Kids will let you know what's trendy and will often have opinions about what kind of design or theme they like for a backpack, lunch box, notebook, or clothes. The more your kids feel a part of the back-to-school planning, the more enthusiastic they're likely to become.

Look for Blues Clues Kolari refers to a "September crash" as a time "toward the end of September when kids realize that summer really is over, and then they feel sad and have behavioral issues." Trouble sleeping, resisting getting up in the morning or going to school, crying, clinging, throwing tantrums, and increasing aggression toward siblings are indications of anxiety. "It's very rare for kids in this age group (5 to 8 year olds) to sit down and talk about their feelings," Kolari explains. "They show you what's wrong through their behavior instead of telling you with their words what's wrong." Observe what your kids are doing rather than what they're saying.

Be a Good Listener Listen to kids if they share feelings of sadness that summer's ending or feelings of anxiety about the upcoming school year. Don't minimize their thoughts or stop them from being heard. "I think one of the mistakes parents make," Kolari says, "is to try to cheer their kids up and not let them think or talk about difficult feelings, when they actually need the time to process." Rather than cheerleading, "just sit with your kids and say 'Yeah, I miss that too' and really be in there with them. Tolerating our children's pain is very hard because it seems so counterintuitive. But to talk them out of it doesn't help." Once they feel heard, kids will be more willing to explore solutions and move on.

Prepare for Problems Troubleshoot potential problems with your child. If she's starting a new school, visit ahead of time or go over the route to get there. Be organized and avoid feeling overwhelmed by deciding what's going in her backpack and what supplies she needs beforehand. "If you predict something will be on your kid's mind, then prepare for it. Have your child work out the best coping strategies with you," advises Dr. Goodman. "Role-play and act out situations that they might have trouble with." Kids may be worried that school will be harder this year or that they won't be in a class with friends, so allow for all scenarios.

Give Extra Cuddle Time Spending time together through playing, tickling, cuddling, and reading gives kids a thicker skin and more confidence when they go off on their own. "Although you'd think that would make your child not want to leave you, the exact opposite happens. It's like you're filling them up and they're getting what they need. That's strengthening to them, so they can go off to school and feel a lot better," Kolari explains. The extra connection and loving moments before a big change can help kids feel less anxious and more self-assured.

Teach Relaxation Skills "If you can teach children relaxation skills, they can use them whenever they start to get anxious," says Edward Christophersen, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospitals and Clinics in Kansas City, MO. Dr. Christophersen describes sitting with his son just before his first day of school and calling his attention to a leaf that had blown through the window, which they observed and discussed. This act of being mindful can counter stress. "What you're doing is teaching kids to be present and really relish and enjoy pleasant activities."
He also suggests recalling visual images from pleasant experiences from the past, such as a beach outing. You can also use a photograph to help kids recapture feelings of happiness so they can access relaxation when they feel upset. "The main thing is getting kids to think about positive events instead of negative or unknown events."

Help Kids Set Goals Review the previous year and the progress your child has made; then set goals for the upcoming year to give them something to work toward. Dr. Goodman explains that no matter what your child's age is, discuss what she has learned to do since last year, whether it's writing, reading, drawing, riding a bike, etc. This helps your child see that "there was progress, that this is a process, and that the same thing will happen this year." Often, the two biggest focus areas for school-age kids are academic goals and social goals, Dr. Goodman says. By championing what has already been conquered, parents can remind their kids "that what seemed hard in the beginning ended up being easier -- and they learned a lot."

Designate an Official End of Summer "One thing that's really nice for families is to have some sort of ceremonial end to summer," says Kolari. Her family partakes in a potluck they fittingly call "the last supper." "We celebrate the summer ending, and everybody talks about their favorite moments. There's a sort of marking ceremony that's now a tradition." Whether it's having a barbecue, picnic, or campfire, or making a photo album, rituals can help create closure and allow kids to take happy memories with them into fall.

Mark the Calendar
Get the calendar out before school starts and note things to look forward to as a family. Start mapping out fall trips such as apple or pumpkin picking, making or shopping for Halloween costumes, or anything meaningful to your child. "Kids will see this is a whole year of new things to start planning for. Back to school doesn't have to mean back to everything awful. There are lots of other fun things to do," Dr. Goodman points out. It's a reminder that, although summer's ending, fall has wonderful things to offer, too.

Copyright © 2011 Meredith Corporation
Corinne Schuman is a mother and licensed mental health counselor in Washington, DC.
From www.parents.com by Jennifer Kolari

HSPs, Authenticity, Work... and Negative Perceptions of Money

One of the most frequently discussed topics in groups of HSPs-- be it online, at a local group meeting, or at an HSP Gathering-- tends to revolve around work, and around how to make a living while also living authentically.

In her book " Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person," author Barrie Jaeger talks about the type of work she classifies as "drudgery," and how soul-crushing it can be for HSPs to be stuck in types of work that feels out of step with their sense of idealism. Jaeger then recommends that we identify and search for the work that represents our true Calling. Sadly, an awful lot of HSPs are stuck in drudgery work. Also sadly, a lot also identify with a somewhat toxic belief system centered around the notion that pursuing one's True Calling somehow requires taking a vow of poverty.

Finding one's Calling, of course, is easier said than done. And it often involves looking at certain secondary-- and very practical issues: How do we make money at our ostensible Callings?  

Dr. Elaine Aron writes-- in "The Highly Sensitive Person"-- that while HSPs are often highly educated and qualified, they tend to gravitate towards jobs that are generally low paying, in our society: Artist, writer, teacher, musician, librarian...

But there's more to it than that.

Whether it's actually part of the HSP trait or not, I've also often run into what I have come to think of as a form of "counterproductive idealism," when it comes to HSPs, work and making money. This belief centers around the (largely false!) notion that it's "impossible" or "wrong" to claim that you're living authentically unless you turn your back on all things material and monetary.

Frankly, I'm not convinced it's very healthy (or "evolved," for that matter) to be attached to the idea that if you're making money, "you're not living authentically."

Think about it, for a moment...

To my way of thinking, it's a rather unbalanced perspective. To think that "authenticity" can only come through embracing an ascetic lifestyle is actually as "extremist" in nature as the practices of those who subscribe to the idea that "success" can only be reached through the relentless pursuit of material wealth at all costs... you're really just looking at the flip side of the same coin.

So if you hold this belief that money is somehow "evil" and even an "obstacle" on your path to authentic happiness, I invite you to pause and consider WHY you hold this belief? What is your real "issue" with money, making money and having money? And then I invite you to consider the inherent paradox within your beliefs: You are rejecting money as being "important," even while "money/wealth" (the rejection of) is actually the centerpiece of your belief system about working and authenticity. So what you're really saying is that money actually IS important to you....?

But... "Money is the root of all evil"... right?

Actually, no. That's probably one of the most misquoted quotes of all time. The actual quote (from the Bible, 1 Timothy, 6:10) is "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows" (emphasis added).

By now, some of you might be asking "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" Because I've met a surprising number of HSPs who've actively rejected their Calling with reasoning such as "I love the creativity of developing marketing campaigns for charities, but I'm not doing it because that industry is all about money!" It is almost as if the fact that we get paid somehow reduces the "worth" of the work. When I hear a statement like that, I find myself thinking "So you've rejected doing what you love because the field has a financial orientation, and instead you choose to work as a retail sales clerk, living at poverty level, hating what you're doing... while trying to convince me, the world and yourself that at least your life is authentic?"

Bullshit, says I!

As an HSP, my own work history has run the range from the relentless pursuit of material success and chasing the Almighty Dollar, to actually rejecting the need to make money and have anything material (I actually once voluntarily took an 80% pay cut in service of pursuing "my authenticity!"), to my current state of balance, in which I feel a deep gratitude for being able to make a pretty good living doing things I really love to do. And I am not ashamed (which I would have been, at one time) of the fact that I am probably better compensated for what I do than 90% of self-employed HSPs.

Now, if that sounds like it's being "boastful" or somehow "insensitive," I will hurry to point out that I share this information only for the purpose of getting others to think about their own relationships with work and money. Specifically, I invite you to consider whether or not part of your difficulties with work, money and living authentically are caused by your beliefs "getting in your own way." Let me assure you that keeping yourself broke neither assures authenticity, nor is it "noble;" choosing to deliberately struggle and suffer is more self-destructive than a path to "glory." If you have a dislike of money (and "making money") ask yourself if that's really you... or perhaps a subtle case of sour grapes: a subconscious statement of "because it's always so hard for me to make a living, I'm going to pretend money doesn't matter to me."

Originally, I had planned to write a bit about work for HSPs and finding our Calling... but I got sidetracked when I started to consider this fairly common obstacle many HSPs face, on their path of self-discovery.

Peter M.

Port Townsend, Washington, United States

Characteristics of Creative Genius

I have always had an insatiable curiosity.
I am able to run my mind on multiple tracks at the same time.
I learn rapidly and retain / apply what I learn.
I tend to be very independent.
I tend to be less motivated than others are by rewards, bonuses, and praise.

At times I have asked embarrassing questions or rudely pointed out truths at the wrong time.

My preference for the complex can fool me into underestimating the simple answer.

I like to refine and improve others' innovations.
I feel comfortable with a wide range of emotions.

I can see many sides to nearly any issue.
Honesty, integrity, and ethics are important to me.
I can help others understand themselves better.
I am a seeker and champion of ultimate truths.

My nervous system is easily aroused, and I am able to discern the slightest changes in my environment (aromas, shifts in light, etc.) or detect irritants (e.g. scratchy sweater label).

I can feel along with and for others.

I set high standards for myself and for others and am my own worst critic.

I tend to look for consistency and security in systems, rules, and orderliness.

I am often considered a "driven" person. I have maintained my childlike sense of wonder.

I am intent on searching out universal truths.

I am deeply disturbed by inequity, exploitation, corruption, and needless human suffering.

I can and do work myself to exhaustion.
Some people think I'm too serious.
I have always been interested in social reform.
I value and will defend diversity.

I have a strong need to "make a difference."
I have a penchant for risk-taking.
I can and do ignore my own needs for the sake of others.

© LIBERATING EVERYDAY GENIUS TM by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, Psy.D. - retitled  The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius

5 Intuitive Warning Signs About Your Health

Dr. Orloff - Tuesday, July 12, 2011

If you want to see what your body will look like tomorrow, look at your thoughts today.
                     --Navajo saying


Your body is programmed for survival. Heeding early warnings protects your health.  Familiarize yourself with how your body speaks to you. It wants you to be well. It will tell you if you are not. Hippocrates wrote over two thousand years ago, "There is a measure of conscious thought throughout the body." This is practical wisdom you can live by.

In my book “Dr. Orloff’s Guide to Intuitive Healing” I describe how your body is a richly nuanced intuitive receiver—and how you must be aware your body’s signals to completely heal. This may require some adjustment of how you think about health. As a physician, I’ve seen that many people are trained to function from the neck up denying the rest of their bodies. I want you to re-orient yourself, to respect the intellect, but attend to your body’s messages as well. Being aware of the body can open intuition because you’re focusing on your physicality, getting out of your head and into your sensual awareness. This may mean noticing the early signs of pain so you can act on them, trusting you gut about relationships, or awakening your sexuality. We can't afford to ignore life-informing signals your body sends. 

It’s vital to re-train yourself to override mechanisms you’ve developed to push through discomfort. To prevent illness I’m going to show you how to pay special attention to physical distress signals. Honor your body’s messages; don't discount them. Simple prompt action is sometimes all it takes. If you're tired, rest. If you're hungry, eat a delicious meal. If you're stressed, get a relaxing massage. The price of not listening? You come down with the flu; your back goes out. You still don't listen? Chest pain. Ulcers. Depression. The thermostat gets turned up until you pay attention.

To listen to your body and get a headstart on warding off symptoms get used to detecting the quieter messages your body sends. It’s important to listen to what your gut says, whether it’s tied up in knots or relaxed-- this intuition can inform all your decisions by pointing you to people and situations you’re comfortable with. Also notice your energy level around people. Does it go up or down? Your body picks up on this quickly. Try to surround yourself with positive people. This will improve your health and wellbeing. Here are some signals your body sends if it’s out of balance. Some of them you may recognize right away.

 
5 WARNING SIGNS YOUR BODY SENDS (from “Dr. Orloff’s Guide to Intuitive Healing”)

Do you ever walk around feeling "off center"? Oddly numb? Out of focus? Detached? As if you're somehow missing a beat? How long do you tolerate this sense that your body just isn't right?

Do you sometimes feel "toxic," as if you're coming down with the flu though there are no other signs of it?

Have you experienced unexplainable symptoms that may have gone on for years? A knot or emptiness in the pit of your stomach? A lump in your throat? An aching heart?

Do you ever have a distressing sense of rawness or feeling exposed? Everything seems to get to you and you feel you have no defense?

Are you chronically tired?

If you answer “yes” to any of these questions it’s worthwhile to begin by taking a general inventory of your health and stress level. What areas can be improved upon? Examine everything from the amount of exercise to alone time to your relationships. Make sure you’re allotting enough space to recharge. Though the above changes may seen relatively minor, on an intuitive level they indicate early difficulty. To start, do your best to pinpoint and remedy problem areas.

To detect your body’s warnings, both quiet and loud, requires increasing your sensitivity to the nuances of its messages. The art of listening entails sensing smaller symptoms before they become full blown. Mindfulness is key. Denial is the antithesis of intuition. We must do what we can to get past it. As a physician, I’ve seen time and again how increasing body awareness facilitates prevention of illness and more vibrant health. Listening to your body is a powerful step towards self-care that benefits wellness in all areas.

Indigo's

So nice to hear the eldest girl say: I don't know if I am different, to me this feels normal :-)

Enjoy watching!

Anticipating the Good

By Deepak Chopra
Anxiety about Change

 


Change will occur in almost every aspect of our lives, we can learn to embrace it while releasing the past with grace.

When we find ourselves going through any kind of change in our lives, our natural response may be to tense up on the physical, mental, or emotional level. We may not even notice that we have braced ourselves against a shift until we recognize the anxiety, mood swings, or general worried feeling toward the unknown that usually results. There are positive ways to move through change without pushing it away, however, or attempting to deny that it is happening. Since change will occur in almost every aspect of our lives, we can learn to make our response to it an affirmative one of anticipation, welcoming the new while releasing the past with grace.

One thing we can do is change our perspective by changing the labels we use to identify our feelings. We can reinterpret feelings of anxiety as the anxious butterflies that come with eager expectation. With this shift, we begin to look for the good that is on its way to us. Though we may only be able to imagine the possibilities, when we acknowledge that good is there for us to find, we focus our energy on joyful anticipation and bring it into our experience while allowing the feelings to carry us forward.

We can also choose to do a ceremony to allow our emotions to process. Every culture has created ceremonies to help people make the transition from one phase of life to the next. We can always create a ceremony too, perhaps by burning written thoughts to watch the smoke carry them away, thereby releasing them, or we can welcome new endeavors by planting flowers or trees. Some ceremonial activities such as a farewell send-off or housewarming party, we may do automatically. Society also has built-in ceremonies, like graduation and weddings, which may satisfy the need we feel. Sometimes the shift from denial to acceptance is all that is needed to ease our anxiety, allowing us to bring our memories with us as we move through nervousness to joyful excitement about the good to come.

Nicole Kidman on fame, and actors as highly sensitive people

Jennifer Aniston: What attracts you to a project? What’s the key element that has to be there?

Nicole Kidman: Usually something strange. It’s a little weird or offbeat or very uncomfortable.

I have to be convinced to do things that are more mainstream.

As a kid, I was always a bit, I suppose, darker. I was drawn to things that were unusual.

And that’s partly to do with my parents. My mom’s always questioned things, wanted us not to conform.

So, with roles, I like to be in a place of discomfort. I do my best work in the most complicated roles. I don’t have the capacity to be lighter, and I so wish I did. I’m working on it. …

JA: Did you always want to act?

Nicole Kidman: I think I did… For me, it was never going to be work. It was almost like I needed to have a day job, because this was too much fun.

But I was a highly sensitive child, and the last thing my parents wanted was for their child to go in and get hurt.

JA: What do you think is the hardest thing about being an actor?

Nicole Kidman: Fame. It’s a great thing in the sense of the opportunities it gives you, but you don’t realize that you’re dancing with the 100-pound gorilla.

JA: Yeah, it turns from Glinda the Good Witch into the nasty green one, then back to Glinda again.

Nicole Kidman: Most actors are highly sensitive people, but you have this incredible scrutiny. You have to develop a thick skin, but you can’t have a thick skin in your work.

So it’s that constant push-pull of going, How do I stay human and vulnerable and real, and how do I, at the same time, not let all this affect me? I suppose it’s the same when you’re at school and you get a taste of girls who are being mean.

It’s the same thing, just at a bigger level.

But at the same time, we’re in an extraordinary place, and to complain about it you go, Ugh, move on.

~ ~

From “Nicole Kidman: The Interview” By Jennifer Aniston, Harper’s Bazaar January 5, 2011 – they costar in the new comedy Just Go With It.

Are You A Highly Sensitive Person?

Today I would love to share a wonderful blog post by Sandra Lee

Love yourself!

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” -Aristotle

Do you find yourself highly sensitive to the physical circumstances and/or the people around you?

A few days ago, a small bird smacked into the glass panel of the sliding door in my bedroom.  This happened at another residence about eight months ago.  The first time, I was probably more traumatized than the bird.  The suffering of others has affected me so strongly all my life; it seemed to penetrate far into my being.  In both cases, the bird look stunned and paralyzed, not moving a micro-millimeter, but clearly still alive.

The first time, my husband assured me that the best approach would be to leave the bird alone and let it reorient itself.  It was an hour of pure torment for me.  The bird did indeed recalibrate itself in about an hour’s time and flew off into the wild blue yonder.  Happily, the second bird did the same.  Animals intuitively know how best to cope with trauma.  This is explained exceptionally well in the book, Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences, which elucidates how these same principles apply to the human experience of trauma.

 

Suffering and overcaring

The second time around, I was naturally concerned about the bird’s suffering, but, interestingly, I didn’t let it get under my skin in the same way.  This is due, in part, simply to knowing from experience that the bird would likely recover and fly off as before.  At the same time, I feel this is also due to a gradual process of inner change that is taking place as I more firmly secure myself through Amygdala Retraining and other means of self exploration and personal development.  Let me be clear that this doesn’t mean becoming indifferent, uncaring, or cold-hearted.   I still feel emphatic to the suffering of others, but I understand more fully than ever before how allowing it to jar me so strongly is neither necessary or useful.

Indeed, overcaring may actually be harmful.

“Is your care producing or reducing stress?”  This is a key question in the Heartmath approach, which also says:  “Excessive care, or overcare related to an issue or situation can create stress and negative emotions, so it is important for your care to be balanced.”

If you are stuck in the habit of perpetual giving, this might be a crucial question to ask:  “Is your care producing or reducing stress?”

Suffering is an inevitable part of life for all of us.  When you know and accept the reality that suffering will occur, it’s not such a shock when it actually does.  With this understanding, you can have more acceptance and clarity when suffering arises. I’ve been fortunate to meet many great spiritual masters in my lifetime.  All of them have been deeply compassionate.  Indeed, their love and compassion have no limit:  the whole purpose of their existence is to relieve the suffering of this world.  But they are not bowled over by suffering.  They don’t go into a state of personal angst if a bird flies into a pane of glass.  They are compassionate warriors—courageous, confident, determined, yet also relaxed, open, and spacious.

 

Are you a highly sensitive person?

I’ve been super sensitive as far back as I can recall.  According to Elaine Aron, 15-20% of the population is highly sensitive, possessing an uncommonly sensitive nervous system.  She says that being a highly sensitive person means:

“…you are aware of subtleties in your surroundings, a great advantage in many situations. It also means you are more easily overwhelmed when you have been out in a highly stimulating environment for too long, bombarded by sights and sounds until you are exhausted.”
Aron defines this not as a flaw but as an asset that you can learn to use.  She says, “If we try to live by the same operating instructions that others use, we develop all kinds of chronic illnesses, as so many of you have learned the hard way. Yet if we overprotect ourselves, our assets go unexpressed, and that can also lead to stress and illness.”

1 in 5 people are highly sensitive – an eye opening statistic!

 

Sensitized Nervous System

The evidence is mounting that a sensitized nervous system is involved in a wide range of disorders.  Wikipedia explains:

“A third type is central sensitization, where nociceptive neurons in the dorsal horns of the spinal cord become sensitized by peripheral tissue damage or inflammation. This type of sensitization has been suggested as a possible causal mechanism for chronic pain conditions.”

“Sensitization has been implied as a causal or maintaining mechanism in a wide range of apparently unrelated pathologies including substance abuse and dependence, allergies, asthma, and some medically unexplained syndromes such as fibromyalgia and multiple chemical sensitivity. Sensitization has also been suggested in relation to psychological disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, panic anxiety and mood disorders.”

In another view of sensitization, Ashok Gupta and Annie Hopper believe that a small structure in the brain thought to be responsible for triggering the adrenalin response, the amygdala, becomes sensitized in cases of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, Chronic Pain Syndromes, and related disorders.  They respectively offer their own innovative brain retraining programs to assist people in recovering from these disorders based on the science of neuroplasticity.

 

Reducing overstimulation and retraining the brain

The first step foreword is recognizing that you are indeed a highly sensitive person.  If this is the case, it’s important to take on board that trying to live a highly stimulated, stress filled lifestyle may very well have negative ramifications for you.  From there, you can explore options for reducing over-stimulation. Elaine Aron’s books are one resource for this purpose.

It’s far better to do this early on so you can lead a sane, healthy, and happy life instead of developing chronic illness down the road.  However, if you do develop certain chronic illnesses, Dynamic Neural Retraining and Amygdala Retraining are wonderful programs to help you feel better. There are no magic pills.  You must faithfully apply the techniques offered in these programs on a regular basis to effectively retrain the brain and improve.  You need to change your fundamental way of being.  Loving yourself enough to make the commitment is part of the equation.  This is a huge step, but there’s tremendous support for accomplishing this. Be heartened!  Breakthroughs are happening in the realm of these previously unexplained illnesses.

Are you a highly sensitive person?  What steps do you take to reduce stimulation in your life?

You might also like this related articles:  Retraining the brain for CFS, FMS, MCS, PTSD, & GWS

Jim Hallowes on HSP

Without a High Sensitivity Personality What Would Life Be Like?

“Without sensitivity what would life be like?” author Michael Eigen asks in an article.

“Sensitivity nurtures us, gives life color, expressiveness, charm – provides a basis for terror. Sensitivity, feeling and thinking feed each other, are part of each other.

“Thinking and feeling are ways sensitivity unfolds or grows… without the sensory sea we take for granted, feeling and thought would dry up and die.”

It’s a nice reminder that our sensitivity is something we can celebrate, rather than avoid or condemn.

> quotes from article: Sensitivity – by Michael Eigen, PhD, author of book The Sensitive Self

Highly sensitive people less influenced by culture

Sensitive Persons’ Perception Moderates Responses Based On Culture
Article by Stony Brook University Published 05/10/2010

 

Building on previous brain imaging research that revealed cultural influences play a role in neural activation during perception, Arthur Aron, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Stony Brook University, and colleagues, completed a study that suggests individuals who are highly sensitive have cognitive responses that appear to not be influenced by culture at all.

Reported in advance online in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, and scheduled for print in the June issue, the study could serve as a foundation for the direction of study in the emerging field of cultural neuroscience.

“Our data suggest that some categories of individuals, based on their natural traits, are less influenced by their cultural context than others,” says Dr. Aron.

He adds that the study is the first to analyze how a basic temperament/personality trait, called sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), interacts with culture and neural responses.

SPS is characterized by sensitivity to both internal and external stimuli, including social and emotional cues. Scientists estimate that something like high sensitivity is found in approximately 20 percent of more than 100 species, from fruit flies and fish to canines and primates and has evolved as a particular survival strategy that differs from the majority.

The standard measure in humans is the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) Scale, previously developed by Dr. Aron and his wife, Dr. Elaine Aron. An example of one item on the HSP scale is “do you seem to be aware of subtleties in your environment.”

Dr. Aron says those who score high on the scale report being easily overwhelmed when too much is happening, startle easily, are conscientious, enjoy the arts more, and have a lower pain threshold.

They are more emotionally reactive and more affected by the environment compared to those who score low on the scale.

The researchers measured SPS in 10 East Asian individuals temporarily in the U.S. and and 10 Americans of Western-European ancestry. In a previous study, these same 20 individuals had undergone brain functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while performing a cognitive task of comparing the length of lines inside boxes.

The participants’ responses to the task tested their perception of the independence versus interdependence of objects as the fMRI measured the neural basis of their responses.

The major finding of that study was that the frontal-parietal brain region (see Figure in original news release) known to be engaged during attention-demanding tasks was more activated for East Asians when making judgments ignoring context, not their specialty, but was more activated for Americans when making judgments when they had to take context into account, not their specialty.

This discovery, says Dr. Aron, illustrated that each group engaged this attention system more strongly during a task more difficult for them because it is not generally supported by their cultural context.

That is, even when doing a simple, abstract cognitive task, culture influences perception.

In the SPS study, Dr. Aron and colleagues took the brain activations in these two groups from the previous study and considered them in light of the SPS scores of the same individuals.

They found SPS as a trait yielded a very clear pattern of results:

“The influence of culture on effortful perception was especially strong for those who scored low on the scale measuring sensitivity, but for those who scored high on the measure (highly sensitive individuals), there was no cultural difference at all,” says Dr. Aron.

Regarding the fMRI, Dr Aron adds: “Culture did not influence the degree of activation of highly sensitive individuals’ brains when doing the two kinds of perceptual tasks used in the previous study.

"Also, how much they identified with their culture had no effect.

"It was as if, for them, culture was not an influence on their perception.”

Dr. Aron emphasized that the new research suggests that characteristics possessed by high SPS individuals, such as being emotionally reactive or conscientious, actually flow out of or are side effects of the overriding feature of processing information more thoroughly than low SPS individuals.

While the results showed a clear, statistically significant connection between SPS, cognitive processing, and culturally-based thinking, Dr. Aron indicates that the small numbers of participants does not rule out the possibility that these results could be sample specific, so conclusions must be taken as preliminary and only as suggestive.

Replications of the study and larger sample sizes, he adds, would help to further the research.

Co-authors of the study titled, “Temperament trait of sensory processing sensitivity moderates cultural differences in neural response,” include: Sarah Ketay, Ph.D., Mount Sinai School of Medicine; Trey Heddan, Ph.D., Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT); Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D., Stony Brook University; Hazel Rose Markus, Ph.D., Stanford University, and John D.E. Gabrieli, MIT.

The study was funded in part by the National Institutes of Health.

Stony Brook University News 5/3/2010

Why, Really, Do We Have to Feel So Bad?

Today I would like to share an article written by Elaine Aron on grief.


Grief is thought to serve the function of drawing attention to the fact that a hole has been rent in the social fabric that holds you up and sustains you in love. We are social animals, so we live in a web of human (and animal) connections as much as fish live in the sea. We do not choose consciously to become attached to our parents or have favorite friends or fall in love. We don't have to. It's instinct. It is so important to survival that it is not left to rational decision making. We don't have to say to ourselves, "I think I'll love this interesting person named Jane" the way we say, "I think I'd like to take a vacation in New Zealand." There's no escaping. We love. And so there's also no escaping loss and grief.

Except for a few monks who have vowed to give up all attachments, the threads in your social fabric differ in the centrality of their role of supporting you in that weaving. They range from those you would deeply miss to those very, very few whom it may seem that you could not live without. (Fortunately, the three whom I lost in April and June were not in that last category. If I had lost one of them, I would not be writing this right now.)

These categories of importance are not about our relative appreciation or valuing of them as people (or animals--pets can also fall into these categories), but simply how much they currently feel like necessities. At the top are those whose loving presence has been almost constant, a source of basic security and daily companionship. Or a special friend or teacher who gives your life meaning. With parent or child, biology itself keeps the attachment at a high level. Whoever they are, these are the few who shape your life so that it would be shapeless without them. It may seem that their loss would create "unbearable" suffering. In these cases we say, "I couldn't live without him" or "I can't imagine my life without her," and we seriously mean it. I am going to focus on this level of loss and grief, because I suspect it is what HSPs experience more often than others and certainly fear the most.


Fear of the Really Big Loss
The fear of the grief caused by a big, big loss is as important a subject as getting through such a loss, because this fear can pretty well ruin things, and it can all go on in the unconscious to protect our conscious mind from being afraid all the time. This is where being an HSP might enter: Our trait makes us tend to look ahead and try to prepare for what we think may be coming. In this case we know the size of our love and so we can feel the size of the loss that is almost certain to come. And if you have a personal history of early losses and separations, that in combination with your sensitivity means you often look ahead far more than you would like to the possibility of losing one of the one or two threads that hold your entire life in place. Can anything or anyone prepare you for such a loss?
I don't usually discuss spiritual matters because one's beliefs are so personal, and everyone's are so varied. But my first rule is to say what might help one of you. After years of seeking the type of spiritual faith, philosophy, practice, or community that I could imagine sustaining me through such a loss, I have come to the conclusion that, for me, it does not exist. And I think it is okay if you are like me in this. If you read C. S. Lewis's A Grief Observed you see that even this very devout Christian was truly overwhelmed for a time after his wife's death. (Shadowlands, the movie based on the last years of his marriage, might be worth your watching.) Accepting this has been an odd relief, actually. I can stop straining for something that will hold at such a time and stop feeling like spiritual a failure because I have not found it in the sense that it would end this special fear.

Mind you, faith, philosophy, practice, and community have benefited me and I would not give them up. But in regard to my imagining these helping much in the case of the Big, BIG Loss? No. Not at first. And well, why should they? As someone wise told me, when you love or attach so strongly, of course the "I" or the ego can't handle the immensity of the loss. Loss, like love, does not operate on that level of consciousness. It goes along its own course, and steering it is like thinking we are steering a wild elephant because we happen to be on it as it goes where it will go. If the ego decides to go to Hawaii, it can usually make that happen, and if it can't go for some reason, the ego can recover from the disappointment, or even decide not to be disappointed at all. But when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others. (One source of help I liked was Nancy Cobb's In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living.)


Avoiding Loss (Not) 101
Perhaps love and the loss that comes with it might still seem like a source of pain that we could avoid if we were determined to. In a way we can. After a trauma around love or attachment, we often build a defense that overrides instinct (a defense that may be an instinct of its own) that keeps us from really loving anyone again. It doesn't make us very happy, but it does in its way limit future grief, even if it causes a different kind of ongoing grief.

Most people spend a lot of time in therapy or couples counseling whittling down whatever fear of loss they have that is based on the past. That could seem like a dumb idea, fostered by optimistic therapists who tout love without mentioning its cost. Why not leave the defense alone? Because the defense doesn't really work anyway. If we try to stop our love impulse, it just sneaks out and attaches itself to the most awful choices. So as with love, so with grief--almost the only thing the ego can do is "go with it," perhaps steering a little bit but not doing much more.

You could still try, at the time of the loss, to build a huge wall around the grief or around yourself or both. But we have all seen now how badly that works out. It leads to psychological, if not physical, death. Or, if you have said a million times that you could not live without a certain person, perhaps there is something in your unconscious that would at least consider physical death. But almost all of us have that darn instinctual need to survive that stands in our way. And even if the will to live failed, the HSP's conscientiousness would keep you alive: You would feel too guilty that you had put yourself out of reach of those who might need you. No, usually the flow of grief does not end up in the sea that is life's end, even if we might at times wish it would. You are going to be stuck with this nightmare for awhile. You have to go with it.


Riding the River of Grief
The flow of grief, however, is no easy ride. Personally, I often fear I cannot survive it for the same reason I'm scared of kayaking, roller coasters, or even sliding down a slide. I'm a coward about going with any flow. Something awful could happen. In the case of grief, it is dead certain that it will. And I will have no choice about it.

However, what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. The rocks are a serious danger, "perfect conditions are a must," but the river still carries us.

Does that mean I've found my spiritual answer? Does the river love me, or the raft, or the source of these and of everything? Not sure, but you could see it that way, and that would definitely help. Perhaps it all depends on the class of rapids. As grief guidelines, I have included the standard classifications of rivers (from ABC-of-Rafting.com). I think you will see how it works.

Class I – Easy
Characterized by low waves, small rapids, and slow current, Class I rivers are very easy to navigate. Maneuvering is not required in this class.

Class II – Moderate
Basic training is necessary to navigate this river class, which is characterized by faster currents. Experienced paddling skills may be required.

Class III – Moderately difficult
Rapids in this river class change all the time. This class, which has harsh currents, requires maneuvering and experienced paddling skills.

Class IV – Difficult
Aside from experienced paddling skills, boating maneuvers are also essential when navigating this river class. Violent currents, moreover, can throw a rafter off a boat.

Class V – Extremely difficult
Intense rapids that hide rocks are a regular in a Class V river, making it dangerous for some rafters. Therefore, advanced whitewater experience is necessary.

Class VI – Extraordinarily difficult
No one actually attempts to ride this river class since this poses extreme difficulties. The fatality risk is high, and if one does have to brave Class VI rapids, perfect conditions are a must.

 

P.S. A practical point: Cry as much as you can. It helps to press something soft and full against your chest. Ideally make that another person. Otherwise, you can make do with a pet, pillow, or, yes, a stuffed animal.